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Self Love is a Scam

Originally written in January, 2023, revised in November 2025

In Fight Club, Tyler Durden said self-improvement is masturbation. No.

Self-love is masturbation. Literally.

I don't mean that you shouldn't take care of yourself. Respect yourself. You must love yourself before you can love others and before others can love you. But loving yourself and loving others are two different things. They have different meanings, they have different outcomes. You cannot replace love for others with love for yourself. That's called narcissism. And also, you are not able to love yourself in the ways others are able to love you. So, if you have a longing to be loved, to belong, and you try to fill that void with self-love, guess what? You won't fill that void. No matter how much energy and effort you put into it. "Self-love" is not the answer. Love for others is the answer.

Also, pay attention to what you are calling "self-love." A bottle of wine is not self-love. Hours spent watching Netflix is generally not self-love. Copious amounts of chocolate is not self-love. Retail therapy is not self-love. By the way, if you want to get any satisfaction out of spending money, spend it on the people close to you, not on yourself. You can spend $1000 on yourself or $10 on your friend and you might find that the $10 spent on someone else bought you more happiness. Learn to love others and you will find a more profound sense of love for yourself.

Self-love could be categorized as a branch of individualism. And an avenue of creating separation between human beings. I love and hate individualism. I think individualism is important and useful in contexts of large groups, in cities, countries, continents, and perhaps most importantly, ideologies. So that you don't become the gray mass, a mere sheep, an unwilling avatar of the collective unconscious. A faceless, voiceless number, a statistic. You retain your face, identity, and your ideas. It is less useful and in some cases harmful in small groups, among family and friends. Because humans are social creatures. None of us are meant to do this alone. We cannot do this alone, not one of us. We always rely on others to some degree: for food, shelter, energy, infrastructure, education, etc. As well as emotionally and spiritually, we need to be in close connection and harmony with the people in our immediate surroundings. Because since we share the same space and time, we are continually creating and shaping this reality together; and the game of life is best played in a manner in which everybody wins.

That's another thing that The Matrix, or what I would even call The Kingdom of Death, is trying to create. Separation. Divide. Conflict. To make us feel more part of those large, faceless groups that none of us can really steer or control. Rather, these large groups can be used to control us. And, on the other hand, to make us feel less part of those small, distinctive groups, that are actually close and connected enough to create change in the system, change in their collective realities. Because that, coupled with realizations of our individual powers and the force of creative destruction, is what's the ultimate threat to those parasitic forces.

Self-love is selfishness. Self-improvement is not masturbation, and it's not self-love. You don't get better for yourself. You get better to serve the world in your full capacity. You get better for others. Self-development, done properly, with the right intentions, in the right spirit, and with the right sacrifices, is an act of love and a display of respect and veneration towards the Universe.