Rae

I’m taking the following poem to an open mic to read next week, it’s on missing being an addict. I wrote it a couple of years ago and forgot about it. Reading back over it last night really moved me. It’s called: The Location I Rest In Sometimes I think I am fed up of this work. Fed up with seeing with no option to un-see. Fed up with being in a perpetual (rude) awakening and relentless restless initiation. Just fed up. Where is my break? Will I ever catch a fucking break? Please let me rest. And I look to something somewhere beyond me to pay me my due assaulted by the alarm yet unable to hit snooze. I look to something somewhere beyond me to recognise my hard work! and bestow divine permission to go back to sleep. (Just for a week?) You know what I sometimes miss? The head rush of that first cigarette of the day. And gossiping in the girls toilets on some cocktail of class As. I think in a way a small part of me misses the simplicity of suffering and then having some woozy relief from it and that being my life. It is the tiniest part and I don’t want to admit that it is there. But every time I find myself in the midst of another vascillation of waking up out of yet another dream every time another layer of fog is clearing every time I feel like I am shouting into a void and no one is listening and my mind makes this path a battle I’ll never win - I reminisce on the strange comfort of living in addiction. And incredibly, it is just the medicine. Because through the nostalgia and the haze of hedonism is this ever pristine reverberation a whole body knowing that seeing things as they truly are is the land of heaven. And recognising myself for what I truly am is the location I rest in. #pleb #nostr #poetry #spiritualawakening #addiction #recovery

My husband and I met a couple of mates for a catch up yday.  They're both working in offices. He used to chef with my husband and she was an artist.  He was talking about something happening with a colleague who wasn't "doing a good job" and how it's probable that he won't be supported and will be strategically removed.  He said that corporate work is like working under a death stare.  Gave me fucking chills honestly.  By the end of the convo his partner - the artist - was like omg why am I working in an office  And I know we all can't just go be artists forever the end  Like just quit your job and be an artist it's so easy lol I'm also not gonna pretend there aren't down sides to purpose work especially for my chef/restauranteur other half who's work life balance has been a joke since the get go. BUT what I am saying is that it really cemented for me why I will never trade purpose for security. I am saying that standing in the fire of "no security" has a HUGE pay off when you resolve to stay in it. And cutting off a piece of your soul in exchange for security just... costs. And it keeps costing you.  It costs you life force and aliveness.  It costs you meaning. And it costs you the transformation and inner freedom that only unleashed creativity and creative service brings about. You can totally have that in the context of a "secure" job But so many people are sitting around in offices and corporate jobs feeling like they are doing absolutely fuck all with their lives - And I'm not even necessarily talking about it in terms of paying bills here anyway. I'm talking about everything that goes uncreated and unshared for the sake of staying protected. For the sake of not failing in front of the world. Not being critised or judged. It costs you when you get to the end of your life and you have this immense back up of everything you second guessed and didn't express or create and you can hardly bare to look at it because it is so enormous.  And it's never too late to start. I don't care how old a person is.  Just don't sell your soul to "security" because it does not fucking exist.  Security is one of the greatest illusions as were ever sold. #nostr #pleb #artist

I played piano at an open mic night last night. I’ve played in front of people twice before. Once at my best mates wedding a decade ago. That was the thing that made me actually learn instead of the half cocked tinkering I was doing up until that point. And the second time maybe seven-ish years ago at an arts event, I played a song I composed with a contemporary dancer. I’ve avoided it because the fear is so intense. As soon as I look at the keys it’s like they melt together. Was literally tearing up in the minutes before. Had to inhale ONE TWO THREE and exhale ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX because if I didn’t my mind was a big storm of WHAT IF I MAKE A MISTAKE AND FREEZE AND HAVE TO SIT THERE IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE IN A FREEZE All of my biggest fears have been to this effect: what if I freeze and lose the capacity to express myself? The notes didn’t melt. I even made a mistake and had to stop and course correct. Laughed it off. It didn’t slam my nervous system into a hole. I stayed in my body. I am so chuffed. #nostr #GM #plebchain #pleblife #facingfear

I think one of the most pervasive conditions among women, is hyper-vigilance.