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I want to eat healthier, but I can’t be bothered to do meal planning or cooking because I have very little appetite. So when I actually get hungry, I find the easiest things to open and eat a handful of. Guess what those are? I need to hire someone to plan and cook meals for me, and then TAKE ALL THE LEFTOVERS HOME with them because my kids won’t want them and I can’t eat them more than, like, twice. Just leave me a measuring cup full of whatever it is.

Came home last night from my last business trip of the year to find one kid had purchased and set up a Christmas tree. The other had used up all the toilet paper in my bathroom and not replaced it. I think we all know which one is getting this in their stocking