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Some people will do every thing in the world not to talk to God. I tried to kill myself in many ways. Then I just sought self destruction. Finally I realized that I was not put here to massage my ego or entertain others. I realized that I was here to serve the LORD and that suffering was a good thing not by God damning me but by the devil taunting me. When I asked God to bless me by his Son, Jesus Christ, I lost all of the self abuse desires and I realized that I didn't even own this temple that I reside in. All I have to do is be in service and there is joy. I pray, I study the Bible and I work. Nothing in our secular society that is trendy, prescribed or sold will bring happiness. It's all meant to be the shiny thing that becomes idolized and then in the end we are left with secular nonsense. Go to the source of creation. He who made the universe not those who are trapped in it.