Alright I got major counterarguments to your points here but can't outline them in detail 'til after work so I'll be back.
In summary: adding Tor to your Monero node is optional because of dandelion++ but is absolutely required with Bitcoind or the like because it doesn't have a dandelion implementation to fluff transactions. To add the Tor proxy its just as trivial for both daemons thus isn't any harder for Monero. The official Monero GUI has a check for socks proxy too so you can't get much simpler than that. Bitcoin core has the same but once again, it's required for Bitcoin due to no dandelion stem.
For your big point regarding address reuse even the most ideal cryptographic solution for privacy will always be compromised if an attacker, like a state agency who subpoenas, gets the private key. Not a gotcha, every single cryptographic system has this vulnerability: PGP, Tor, SimpleX, Signal you name it. If its decrypted on the device, then the adversary has the plaintext if they have access to the device or private keys, simple as.
Monero is way simpler than setting up LND. I can tell you've not used Monero because you refuse to concede this point. I've set up a public monero node via systemd, set up Retoswap, set up p2pool recently with xmrig, the latter being the most difficult. Each of these way simpler than learning how lightning channel liquidity works and using the embedded LND node on Zeus. This difficulty went through the roof when setting up LND via CLI.
Tor is often preinstalled on most Linux distros and often is enabled via systemd. Port doesn't switch from 9050 to 9150 that's why they're separate. The Tor browser creates a whole separate Tor process than the daemon version that uses 9050 by default. Almost all distros use systemd so once For is enabled it will restart itself if it crashes or when OS is restarted. Its set and forget. This error of yours betrays your inexperience in Tor routing.
Everything's always more difficult on Windows. Not a Monero gotcha, Bitcoin has the very same UX hurdles (worse since you absolutely need Tor to protect your IP when broadcasting transactions from bitcoind due to lack of dandelion++)
Cake wallet mobile + random remote node gets you similar or easier UX and way better privacy than Phoenix, Zeus LSP, Spark WoS or other custodial solutions. Cake Wallet plus your own node, or MoneroGUI with a local node is way easier than running your own LND behind Tor while offering superior network level privacy AND better on-chain privacy with greater security due to being on chain. You don't need to worry about watchtowers, force closes, etc.
