A recording tells you to leave a message at the tone, then emits a sound unlike any you've heard before. Your neck feels wet—you reach up to find your ear is bleeding. You watch the phone absorb your blood, and the mechanical voice informs you that your message has been received.

“Everyone dies penniless now!” cheered White House officials.

“I’ll just slip into something more comfortable,” I say, walking into the ocean.

This has to be the one, The New Yorker!

if you do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

WHERE ARE YOUR ELDER GODS NOW?

“Yes, I’m lopping off the Statue of Liberty’s left arm and replacing it with swol muscles doing mad curls, but I’m funded entirely by tech bros, so it’s not like it costs anyone, OFFICER.”

Pre-Trump1 was a simpler time.