When asked to exemplify interacting on the internet, I asked social media how many witches were burned in Salem. Many people smugly replied none, because they were hanged…oblivious to the fact that it was because none of the women were fucking witches.

honk shoooooo

The numbers don’t lie, The New Yorker.

What's the greatest decade? 80-YEAR-OLD: The 50s. 60-YEAR-OLD: The 70s. 40-YEAR-OLD: The 90s. ME: Mankind's always been terrible.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics, as regards a system decaying from a state of order to one of disorder...but, like you know, your face.

"I'm just struggling to do well in life," I say, pausing to glare up at the sky, "since…The Algorithm."

Some fear the future, but I for one look forward to transferring our consciousnesses into mechanical lions that allow us to form giant robots.

Some of us don gay apparel year-round, ya fuckin’ tourists.

Turns out Krampus reproduces asexually, cloning itself every 80 or so years, with the elder dying during the spawning process. The urge to harm naughty children is instinctual.

[clearing throat] Hello, this is my impression of Frank Zappa at Thanksgiving: 🎶 I thought it was a ham 🎶 But it’s a turducken Thank you—this has been my impression of Frank Zappa at Thanksgiving.