i got everything i wanted last night, a long-standing multi-year fantasy bordering on obsession finally came true. and in the moment i panicked, not knowing what to do with the ultimate freedom i'd been granted. but i eventually managed to get myself together and enjoy it. man. i feel so fulfilled and whole again. a part of me broke last night, but by morning i realized what a huge weight it was off of my shoulders. finally, i am free

explaining same sex attraction to straight people is always fun. out of all of the directions that my brain and heart pull themselves into, the "woman" direction is absent. it just doesn't exist. i see women as friends, but my heart just can't feel anything in that direction. it's like a massive, gaping void. there just isn't anything in there. and then straight people will look into that void and go "what the hell. how can this be a void? i don't get it" and it's very difficult to explain my lived experience that there is, in fact, that void, and that it's the same void for the "same gender" directions in their own personal coordinate systems. it's really not that difficult, it's just a hole. but because we don't talk about these types of things that often, it's hard to communicate precisely :)

heartbreaking: tourist forgets headphones while walking around town; has to endure traffic noises, music

perhaps it would be wise to delete files like "Heated Rivalry S01E01 Rookies 2160p HMAX WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 265-STC.mkv" from my hard drive before i land in kazakhstan (not because piracy, but because homosexuality)

twink peaks