I just had the most harrowing experience of my life.
I was outside Osceola, a couple miles into my walk from Des Moines to Shreveport. I was hungry, my chinese-made fake jays were worn through and the sun was going to its' slumber under the corn-laden horizon. I double-parked my shoes outside the AmericInn, paid the hindoo for my room with someone else's credit card and settled in for the night.
Examining my extremely unkept room, I grabbed the leftover circle-k sandwich graciously provided in the minifridge and nibbled away while I checked outlook on my thinkpad. Instantly, I notice the email marked 'URGENT' from an esperm@spectrobemail. glussyhub.io. It started cordially:
'Dear Sir, I am Erman Sperm, Fertility Coach.'
I had never known this man in my life. This was the first time we were meeting. I read further
' I was on a Business Trip to Denver, to do someone elses' mom and I round this blood stained QR code, surrounded by toenail clippings. I scanned it, and it contained instructions to send a private github repo to your address'
I gulped audibly. "Github??" I said aloud
'I think it's bitcoin. You can thank me later. Kindest regards, your warm friend, Erman Sperm'
My fear and hesitancy was wiped away in a second. A whole bitcoin! That would pay for enough chinese shoes to see me through my trip! I loaded up Opera and copy-pasted the link.
What greeted me was strange, unusual even to an inexperienced coder such as I. There were hundreds of directories with strange hexadecimal strings, and when I clicked links they turned red, not purple.
I gulped again. Louder this time. "Erm, do I reeeaaaaaallly need that bitcoin". I didn't, but I couldn't pass up a chance to get on the sneaker ladder.
Going folder by folder, they each contained a single garbled file. Whatever was hidden here had to be worth the effort.
I delved deeper and found a file called readme.md. I opened it. The file was bright red, this wasn't normal.
"A TRUE THIGSTER KNOWS NO FEAR" was scrawled in a strange font
"FIND THE TOES NAME OR BE CONSUMED" The font was almost oozing, I didn't think github could render markdown files like this. I decided to get up and see if there was another circle k sandwich, but what I saw when I turned around frightened me to my very core. It was a giant, demonic head, with enormous buck teeth, a pensive look and an enormous metal hat.
I gulped again, even louder. "IT COULDN'T BE!" I yelled aloud but not so loud as to wake my neighbors. My github adventures had summoned a wayward spirit.
I rushed back to my machine, hoping the thing hadn't seen me hawk a loogie into the minifridge earlier. I was racking my brain, thinking about what the readme had said while the very literal head of damocles loomed behind me. "What if" I intoned, thinking back, "What if the random file names aren't random?"
I had it. I clicked through the files hurriedly, the links bleeding and oozing blood as I scrambled through folders combining files. "TH-E-" "O-RY-To-E" "....exe!" I screamed with the aire of triumphal victory. I ran it in powershell without delay.
The head behind me hissed and spat and screamed as it transformed itself outside of this room and world. I had spoken his name. I had won.
I slept very well that night, and I hit the sidewalk after despoiling my room. I never did get my bitcoin, all I got was a torrent containing a terrabyte of family guy funny moments.
In short: Do NOT run private repo code from github
#thiggypasta2025
