You lucky cunts who don't have or work with kids have no idea how lucky you are you don't have to hear "6-7" every minute of the day. Genuinely feel like just disappearing and living off the grid.

I like to sit in the toilet cubicle at work for so long that the motion sensor lights go off, to experience absolute darkness. Im imagine I'm that guy in that Murakami book who's trapped at the bottom of a well during the war.

Learned to drive in my 40s. Massively regret it. So stressful. Make a mistake and best case scenario is hundreds of pounds of damage, worst case is I die. Get me back to the train.

In a moment of extreme boredom at work I photocopied a paperclip using an entire pack of paper which I then reloaded into the copier, paperclip image right side up. I'd forgotten about this until a photocopier repair man had the machine in pieces looking for the paperclip.

English isn't my wife's first language, but she's lived in UK 20+ yrs. This morning, at a carol concert, I learned she has been singing that "Christ, Arse Saver" is born during 'Silent Night' the whole time. "Because he saves our arses, yes?"

I don't consider myself a grass, but if you're driving like a twat and I've caught it on dash cam, you'd better believe it's getting reported to the police. My favourite report is people intentionally splashing pedestrians with puddles, you're a knob if you think that's funny.

Told a co-worker I'm colour-blind because she kept writing in yellow pen and I hated it. Manager overheard, asked if I struggle with our software, I had to keep the lie going. Now they've spent thousands upgrading it for colour-blind accessibility. Oops.

I love Lindor truffles. They're at their best when slightly melted on the inside. To achieve this I tuck one, still wrapped, under one of my boobs for five minutes which is long enough to melt the inside without destroying the structural integrity of the outside. Delicious!