My aunt, 80, is so proud of her banana skin and teabag concoction to keep lavender plants healthy, that she tells everyone about it. We don't have the heart to admit that three times every year my wife just replaces the one she keeps killing with banana skins and teabags.

I feel like Commander Adama warning people he won't have a network on the Galactica when I tell my family that under no circumstances will I allow a smart device into my house. No internet connected doorbells, washing machines, air fryers, lightbulbs. None. Not during my watch.

I live in Wales and today received my Join Us letter from Reform UK, complete with SAE which I posted back to them, immediately, empty. If every other person in Wales did this, Reform would spend over £1.5 million on postage. Not sorry. Join me Cymru.

Been in a brace with a broken kneecap for weeks. The wife shouted 'want to see my tits' from the other room and I went flying over the footstool trying to get there as quickly as possible. The real fess is I still tried to crawl the rest of the way as I was promised tits.

I excitedly showed my wife the nose hair that had grown all the way down to my top lip when I got home from a six week field expedition. She did not show the same level of joy that I felt. She just gave me a pair of tweezers.

My wife likes music festivals, costs us a packet and I have to tag along for company. She keeps signing our joint email address up to receive info on upcoming events. She hasn't realised yet that for the past year I click on Unsubscribe at the bottom of them.

Our French school teacher was called Mr Segar. Every time he walked into the room the whole class would cry out "SEGAAA…!" akin to the start of Sega Megadrive games. He always asked why we did it but to my knowledge no one ever told him.

I thought I wanted to be in a poly relationship. I was wrong. I just love diary management and planning.

Instead of just letting my son watch Bluey or any of the crap children love nowadays, I got him hooked to my childhood series. Now he is asking Santa for toys from those shows. You don't want to know how much I've spent on vintage figurines. Made my own bed, didn't I?

Work in an old peoples care home, the most common regret about their lives is the sex they didn't have. Now a lot of them are making up for that.