If you’re emotionally complicated and looking for love, find somebody who drives a Chevy; they’re used to frequent breakdowns.

The Big Sleep In by Raymond Chandler #MakeABookLate #HashTagGames

Active Person’s Watch: TIME TO STAND Activist Person’s Watch: TIME TO TAKE A STAND Kleptomaniac Musician’s Watch: TIME TO TAKE A STAND Romantic Social Media User’s Watch: TIME TO STAN Rasist’s Watch: TIME TO KLAN Mexican Restaurant Patron’s Watch: TIME TO FLAN Pilgrim’s Watch: TIME TO STANDISH

Note to self: when a friend or acquaintance announces his wife is pregnant, do a quick evaluation of your relationship with him before quipping “that’s great! Who’s the father?” Second note to self: follow-up appointment with doc to see how jawbone is mending

Kinda ashamed that people in diabetes commercials live more active lifestyles than I do

Ask yourself: am I in love with that person who farts a lot, or am I just inflatulated?

People just aren’t saying “jumpin’ Jehoshaphat” like they used to, and that’s a shame.

Back when I was dancing, my stripper name was Mango Chutney

Nothing is more frustrating than coming up with a great drag queen name, then learning it’s already been taken. This time: Melanin Monroe

Ellen (or Ripley) By The Beatles Ellen (or Ripley) Picks up the guts from the guy whose chest just burst to bits What is this shit Waits in the silence Aiming the flamethrower right at the Xenomorph’s face No screams in space #AlienSongPoemOrLimerick #HashTagGames