*Slow pan down from searing sky to dense, steamy jungle. The camera pushes through the canopy and settles on a sweaty military badass*
Jesse “The Body” Ventura: I ain’t got time to bleed
*profile shot; JV turns excitedly to camera, his single, caterpillar-like eyebrow as prominent as his mustache*
But brother, I DO got time to tweeze! *JV reaches into ammo vest pocket, removes small Kevlar-clad kit* And Eagle Tactical is gonna end this unsightly unibrow RIGHT F*%CKIN’ NOW!
*furious tweezing montage*
*JV turns front, revealing two gloriously sculpted eyebrows*
Predator: *croaking, alien voice* My god, they’re perfect
*nuclear blast*
*Camera moves back above canopy; a choppa flies into the sunset*
Announcer: Call now for your Precision Spec-Ops Titanium Tweezers, part of your complete Tacti-Groom kit! Only $229.99! Act now, before liberal nancy boys get wind of this amazing product! And remember: lonely housefraus are wild for shaped brows!
*Dissolve to waving American flag superimposed over napalm blasts*
#EagleTactical
I don’t think billionaires have figured out that the term “billionaire” now means something completely different to those of us who aren’t billionaires.
PUPDATE: It’s important to remember that both standard poodles and golden retrievers are sporting dogs who love water. It seems rainy days are like super special treats to Winston, who now has our floor looking like a mud river.
Captain: what’s the status on the case, Detective?
Detective: Well, Captain, someone has been breaking into museums throughout the city and destroying art. So far, a Dali, an Ernst, a Kahlo, and a Chagall have been slashed beyond repair.
Captain: Dear God. So you’re saying we have a…
Detective: That’s right, Captain. This is clearly the work of a surreal killer.
