Sometimes I look at my tweets and I think, 3,000 IQ... but that could not be possible. sounded better in my head.

Felt not cute. Might reboot. #amethyst #bugs #rollwithit

Not sure who to tell this to, but I had some really great sex with my wife last night. That is all.

There are literally some things you cannot say unless you're completely anonymous

When you put on your dirty clothes to go visit your in-laws 🙄

Bro why does scratching scabs feel sooo good? Prompting skin growth? Debriding? Detoxifying? Also I surely do wonder if bloodletting had some ancillary good effects...

Natural moments of silence are nice. The "I don't know what the fuck to even say about that" kind of moment.

I recant; Q tips do have an alternate usage (besides the obvious). They're also great for getting shit out of your eyes. Just stick that Q bitch in the corner and swab around, and 99% of the time, it's gone.

If someone doesn't have a squeegee by their bathroom mirror, they don't fuck

Ain't nobody want no yellow or fucking green bell peppers