“Ask not what your Callibri can do for you; ask what your Times New Roman can do for your country.” -Marco Rubio, probably

A Christmas special brought to you by Waffle House in which the protagonist is a small town’s best short order cook who wins over a visiting big-city lawyer when he shows her that true love is Scattered, Covered, and Chunked.

The Man In The White Castle #fastfoodabook #hashtaggames

GUYS, I just got a peace prize from my local sandwich shop

Guys, I have a confession to make: For the past six months, I’ve been having an emotional affair with the AI in our refrigerator. It’s okay, though, because I think Jen is seeing the microwave. Looks like we’re poly now.

Hey, thanks for fact checking my joke, you joyless enemy of fun.

Waiting for the big, revolutionary, hack-proof business practice of moving to all paper.

Until the day he dies, he needs to be heckled with “QUIET, PIGGY!” every time he opens his Bill hole.

I’m starting a church that centers around eating. You may now refer to me as Repastor Dean.

56 years on this planet now. I haven’t lived a famous life, but I can’t deny it’s been… eventful. And I can honestly and unabashedly say that I’m alive due to the love and care of others. Please don’t allow the hate that’s currently so loud to erode your love. Do something every day in love, and never, ever stop. It’s how we win.