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The below is part of an actual letter I sent in the mail to a bunch of rich people, across industries. A few wrote me back to see if I was real. As an esteemed businessman, I'm sure you'll find the value proposition in my exclusive event offer. I’d live in your mansion rent free, but if you don't want to give me a guest room, I’d be perfectly happy living in one of your closets, since, at the moment, two of your walk in closets are bigger than my studio apartment and bathroom combined. What would you get out of it? * The *Sightless Scribbles* Immersive Literary Experience: This is the capstone, the main event. Forget your jet skis and your yacht adventures; this is the ultimate thrill. We will host an exclusive, ticketed salon in your grand ballroom. Your guests, draped in couture, will be seated in uncomfortable chairs I have sourced from a local DMV. The lights will be dimmed. I will then perform a live, dramatic reading of a new, unpublished *Sightless Scribbles* post detailing the labyrinthine, soul-crushing process of applying for food stamps online. This is not a passive reading. This is an interactive event. As I describe the unlabeled buttons and the crashing web forms, your guests will be handed facsimiles of the application and a pen that is running out of ink. They will attempt to fill it out in real-time. The sheer, heart-pounding suspense as they try to find the correct box to check will eclipse any adventure you have ever paid for. They will leave not just entertained, but fundamentally changed, with a newfound appreciation for the profound, exhilarating terror of everyday life. It will be the most authentic, most disruptive, and most talked-about experience of their lives. To simulate an inaccessible PDF document, just as a guest leans in to read the form, my associates will create a sudden, targeted deluge of water upon the paper, rendering it a pulpy, illegible mess. They will then be chided for their inability to read wet paper. The exquisite frustration will be a memory they cherish. Ah but that's not all! The program will be a season of heart-stopping literary moments, each framed as an epic, unmissable experience: My narrator in crime, Sean Crisden, will narrate exclusive unpublished *Sightless Scribbles* pieces, culminating in your first multi-cultural event! You'll get such literary works as, * For the Epicurean: *Symphony in Refrigeration.* A stunning auditory exploration of the overwhelming, near-religious ecstasy of opening my refrigerator that is, for the first time in memory, full. Sean will make you hear the majestic bass note of a full milk jug, the gentle, percussive crinkle of fresh vegetables, and the triumphant click of a door closing on abundance. * 'For the True-Crime Aficionado:' *Helpful Abduction on Main Street.* A heart-stopping survival story, better than any Netflix documentary. Listen as Sean’s tense, gripping narration places you in my shoes as a helpful white woman suddenly grabs my arm and propels me across a busy street against my will, into a symphony of skidding tires and blaring horns. It's a thrilling exploration of unsolicited assistance as a violent act. * 'For the erotic seekers:' *The Unexpected Pleasures of a Radiator.* An erotic literary experience. Sean’s voice will hum with a practiced, intimate warble as he describes my shivering, starving body cozying up to a functioning heater. He will make you feel the slow return of warmth as a lover’s caress, the very moment blood thaws enough for cogent thought, allowing me to dial friends and ask if they can spare a can of soup. His delivery will make hypothermia sound like foreplay. * 'For the High-Stakes Gambler:' *Checkout Counter Roulette.* A moment of pure, uncut social terror. Sean will narrate the cold sweat and hammered heartbeat of my EBT card being declined for a single can of beans, with a line of impatient shoppers sighing behind me. It’s a high-stakes psychological drama with more tension than any game of poker. * 'For the Food Critic:' *A Tasting Menu of Desperation.* An absurd comedy. Join us for a gourmet review of a donation box from a well-meaning charity, featuring such delicacies as inexplicably dented cans of off-brand asparagus, a dusty box of expired quinoa, and a single, perplexing jar of pickled watermelon rinds. Sean will describe the textures and flavor notes with the gravity of a Michelin-starred chef. * 'For the Political Junkie:' *The Kafkaesque Coup.* A deep-state conspiracy thriller. Sean will perform a dramatic reading of a health insurance denial letter, deconstructing its bureaucratic doublespeak to reveal the simple, chilling message beneath: "It is not profitable for us that you live." * 'For the Action-Adventure Fan:' *The Quest for a Human Voice.* An epic hero’s journey. Thrill to the tale of my 45-minute battle against an automated phone tree, a heroic struggle through endless menus and voice-recognition errors, all for the triumphant, god-like prize of hearing a real person say, "How may I direct your call?" * A Romance For The Ages: *An Intimate Ethnography of a Kind Hand.* Sean will narrate, with breathless sensuality, the experience of a Dominican friend tending to the electrical burns on my arm after a faulty outlet in my slum apartment delivered a shocking reprimand. His voice will make you feel the gentle, almost holy friction of an antiseptic wipe against scorched skin, the reverent map of a wound traced by a caring finger, the soft crinkle of a bandage applied like a vow. It is a portrait of unspoken sexual intimacy so profound with unspoken tension, so hot with the eroticism of pure kindness, that you will feel as if you are intruding on something sacred. * An Epic Journey: *The Odyssey of the Last Quarter.* Join me on a heroic quest to the desolate, fluorescent-lit wasteland of the 24-hour laundromat with only enough change for a single wash cycle. Will our hero choose the regular wash or risk it all on the more expensive ‘hot water’ setting to deal with a bedbug scare? Sean’s reading will transform the rumble of a washing machine into the score of a high-stakes heist. * And the Grand Finale: *The Social Security Redemption Arc.* Forget your spy thrillers; this will be the ultimate, edge-of-your-seat experience. You'll hear the race to re-establish my benefits before rent is due after the system has decided I am secretly a millionaire. Sean will deftly play every part: the soul-crushing labyrinth of automated phone menus, the faceless CEO convinced I am laughing my way to the bank, and the underpaid employee who has no empathy left to give. He’ll woo you with a momentary victory, only to crush you with the cliffhanger: a mandatory benefits review, scheduled for next week. The program will be a season of heart-stopping literary moments, each framed as an epic, unmissable experience: This is not just about his talent, which is, frankly, staggering. It is about the complete, beautiful, and profoundly complex package. You, my patron, would be providing your guests with a cultural opportunity they cannot get anywhere else. For once, you get to see a Black man in a real-life 3D space who isn't being beaten on your television screen, dribbling a basketball, or silently serving you champagne. You get to see his melanated lips move in real time, and it will be the most compelling thing you've witnessed all year. Because Sean is my narrator, it is required that you pay him at least $95,000 per event. Or you could give him that empty guest house of yours I found on Open Street Map this morning. After the performance, your guests will be invited to a Q&A with me. To prime their questions, they will first be allowed to interact with the artifacts from my life, to bridge the chasm between the story and the source: * They can touch my actual broken EBT card. I will present it on a velvet cushion. They can feel the smooth, worn plastic, the ghost of a magnetic strip that has given up, and the single, sharp crack near the top right corner, a hairline fracture from the time a hulking white man body slammed me on the bus in a fit of silent, impotent rage as he tried to Rob me. It is not a piece of plastic; it is a fossil of a bureaucratic battle. * They can feel the threadbare texture of one of my holy socks. A profound object lesson in the poetry of functional decay. * They can hold the very dented can of off-brand asparagus that inspired my gourmet tasting menu piece. * They can read my actual health insurance denial letter, feeling the crisp, indifferent paper that holds the power of life and death. I will then answer their questions, with Sean by my side providing emotional support. It will be the most authentic artist interaction they have ever had. I must be clear: this is not charity. This is an intervention. Your wealth has given you the power to shape the world, but it has robbed you of the ability to feel its texture. A man who can move markets with a single tweet should, I believe, understand the specific weight of a final eviction notice. A woman who can summer in Monaco should understand the quiet, desperate prayer said over a car that won't start. I’d love to talk. Your people will talk to my people. Let’s work out a deal, shall we? Yours in profound white trash inspiration porn disruption, Robert Kingett. #Humor