So fair as to launch a million hellthreads,
The hot tub would boil at your touch.
No anime armpit could equal your beaty,
Nor anyone's oshi shine so much.
An Aryan queen above all,
Who could cure the yellow fever of Raul.
If you were my sister,
Then I would be Lister.
Greater than any volume of Touhou piss,
The flame of my heart, the Girl Reading This.
I live in a gray-walled apartment, alone, in a concrete building. I’m a practicing Atheist. I go to Atheist Church (the church where Atheists go) every Monday (the day that Atheists go to Atheist Church). Every Thursday I go to Atheist Confession, where I tell my Atheist Priest (the priest who runs Atheist Mass at my Atheist Church) about the times I fell short of my ideals by treating my fellow humans as anything other than sacks of mostly water housing various chemical reactions. The Atheist Priest gives me general assurance that I’m not as bad as those irrational Christians. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not a very superstitious person. Keep that in mind as you read what I’m about to tell you.
Two weeks and a fortnight ago, I woke up in my gray-sheeted bed in my gray-walled room and stepped out onto the cold gray slab floor. It was just another morning by all means. Walking past my Nintendo Switch, whose joycons accented the fake wood desk nicely, I powered on my custom-built gaming PC. The RGB lights reminded me of gays, which made me smile a wholesome smile. I opened OperaGX and hit the R key. Reddit was the first recommendation, and I pogged hard as I smashed the enter key. What would await me on that home screen, however, would not make me pog in the least.
At the top was a post. 1 upvote. Why would this be at the top of my homepage? I pondered and questioned, quandered and puzzled. Worse yet, the title was horribly irrational. “Ghost Sighted In My Freaking Apartment???” on r/graywalledconcreteapartment by u/therealtomar. Ha. As if.
I clicked on the post, smugly smirking slyly, prepared to hit downvote and move on. But what I saw enraged me. Rather than a ghost, it was a picture of me. Sure, I was rather pale, but a ghost? Preposterous. I rushed to the comments to leave a string of logical statements which would eviscerate this obvious chud. Yet as I typed, the pounding of my heart overpowered the sound of my cheap mechanical keyboard. Surely, I missed something. I scrolled back up.
In the corner was an odd figure. Ash-gray, he was nearly invisible against the backdrop of the wall. Held in his hands were my joycons. His eyes were sunken in, and, if souls were real, he surely wouldn’t have had one. As I stared, I heard the strange moan of a Zelda character, one which would sound surely sexual if I didn’t know the game’s sounds so well. Quaking, shaking even, I turned my head, and saw him.
“Heh. Thought I’d get to bed early and sleep from midnight to 2 AM. Guess I’m sleeping in ‘til 3 instead,” the ashy creature said.
“Gh-gh-gh! Guh! Guh!! Gg-gh-gh-ghghghghggh-gh! Guh! Guh! Guh! GhghghghghoOoOooOooOOOoOoOoOoOST!!!!!” I shouted, leaping several feet.
“Yeah fuck you too, buddy,” he replied, producing a pocket knife multiple millimeters in length.
I had to do something. I had to defend myself. I remembered my Atheist Exorcism training, used to drive out belief in the existence of demons. “Logical fallacy:” I shouted, “Being a Hecking Creep!”
Unperturbed, the shambler spoke back. “Logical fallacy? Uh, your mom.” I blacked out.
I woke up only a couple minutes ago. My Switch and the RGB lights on my PC are both gone, the whole room smells like rice, and I can hear my neighbor shouting about his missing dog. I’ve reported the Reddit user and downvoted his post, but it’s gaining traction. I only hope this warning will be enough, and some of you can be saved from what the comments are now calling “The Thigg.”
#thiggypasta2025
