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The turkey enters the kitchen, flanked by two attendants. It wears a garlic mala and is astonishingly beautiful. there on the kitchen floor is me ensconced in a massive lotus, in which i am reciting an intoxicating wasan in the native wago language. the turkey walks in and approaches me in a stately fashion as i do this, and, at the rehearsed lines from the turkey's attendants about it being time for Thanksgiving, the turkey produces a blade..

since we can’t use plastic straws anymore i’ve just been choking turtles with my bare hands

the driving force behind reply rats is this assumption that everyone around them is an idiot. It's like walking into a party and deciding you're the smartest person in the room and then joining in conversations to scoff and misconstrue anything being said

Opening an unlabeled door in the back of a subway station and descending the creaky rusted staircase into a world of sprawling defunct machinery and skittering disposed teenagers running an underground arcade slash economy funded by unregulated skateboarding gambling and selling cigarette cartons, eventually befriending it's denizens and leading a rebellion against the world above

in the 1960s you could perfectly easily do a wicker man style human sacrifice and no one would be any the wiser because they hadn’t made the film about it yet. couldn’t get away with it now

at what point should i tell my best boner jokes? at the beginning or end of the job interview?

i wonder how many $30k Etsy filing cabinets the Pro users funded this month

@Ash if @npub1q72d...f5pl is your girl then why is she repoasting me? (Aide whispers into my ear) “i’m being told this is not true at all” “anyway it’s not like a marriage certificate is proof that she’s your gir-“ (aide frantically gesturing)

i made an absolute BANGER effort post about Groundhogs Day and wasted it on a TL in the throes of a wild gab dispute. needed diamond hands tex 💎

*a single, frigid piano key echoes* “my grandpa never talks about his time in punxsutawney..." "something happened to him there". “If we don't find Punxsutawney Phil, the whole world is going to be trapped in a loop!” (shot of a big magical vortex rising up into the sky). Bill Murray at the end of the trailer: "it's time you learned about our family secret..." echoey piano music plays "i got you babe" Groundhog World: Legacy